On courage
I have been going to the gym on Monday mornings. It’s one near me called Muscle Works and it’s £6.50 to do a drop in session which is unheard of anywhere. The downside is that if you’re wearing white and accidentally rub a kettlebell against your top it’ll be smudged with brown afterwards because of the grime. But you can’t argue with £6.50, no aircon and the masculinity that oozes out of there. I go on stepper for 15 minutes which is extremely hard at the best of times, but particularly so at 6 months pregnant. Today I put on an old workout playlist I have called make me sweat and Bruce Springsteen, Tougher than the rest came on. When you’re trying to push yourself past discomfort you need something to hang onto, and I guess today that was Bruce.
Well, ‘round here, baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you’re rough enough for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest
So I suppose it spoke to me today like it used to speak to me. Because in some ways I’m a live on the side of caution kind of lady, be careful on edges and avoid risky things like aeroplanes and scuba diving and lime bikes, I could be mistaken for a fucking loser. But on the stepper today, eight minutes in with Bruce in my years I thought, really brave actually.
Charlotte York as a symbol of female bravery: discuss.
Charlotte used to be my least favourite. I found her predictable and shallow and not very compelling to watch. I didn’t relate. But my last few rewatches have changed my mind completely, almost, is she the true hero of our time? Another key reason to watch at least once a year, every version of you has a different hero.
Charlotte changes her mind, is willing to let life be different to what she thought, embraces change, is endlessly gracious, holds onto her core values and never stops going for what she wants most deeply in her heart. She puts her heart in the ring and at times with appalling judgment, but isn’t there something in that too? If you exist in pursuit of something, something that you really really want, you are going to make wacky decisions at times because they feel closer to it than where you are now.
I was thinking about writing and courage and courage and writing. I’ve heard people diminish the bravery it takes in self depreciation, claims of self indulgence and other words that make us feel smaller or pointless or like, this isn’t a meaningful thing to do. And I also see the delusions of grandeur. Just last night I was watching a truly terrible movie and the protagonist’s love interest did a speech about the nobel act of writing like he was the first man to discover the pen. Movies do that all the time, make someone a writer to give them intrigue and struggle. It’s the most romantic profession of all!
But I think it’s neither. That you don’t have to be withering away all collarbones and black coffee to have something interesting to contribute to the world. Nor do you need to apologise for your ridiculous existence. That it needn’t be the most extraordinary other worldly thing, inaccessible to most dim wits. There is something threatening about that though. What if more than a precious few might have something meaningful to say? What does that mean for the precious few?
One of the most unexpected things about my job is that more often than not people have arrived at my courses with a voice. I’ve heard more good sentences than bad sentences, more originality than cliche, been more moved than disinterested. Give people permission, space and perhaps a way in and there is literally no limit.
Being a courageous writer doesn’t necessarily mean bleeding out on the page, delving into trauma or writing for only shock value. It can mean sharing your poem on a Whatsapp group, writing something truthful, not explaining, quantifying or qualifying, vulnerability in all the ways it can exist, the things you leave out, owning something from your life or about yourself and so on and hence forth.
You know when you realise you’re losing in a board game and part of you wants to mess up the board? If this won’t go my way, then no fun for anyone else? Well honey I completely understand. Sometimes courage with writing is carrying on when you’ve been rejected, not met the expectations you set yourself, have slightly lost sight of the way and your ‘goal’ and everything else under this bracket. Courage can be writing without knowing exactly why or exactly what the imprint might be.
I decided one of the most courageous things? To keep doing it. To be consistent.
BE MAGIC THIS SUMMER
Inspired by my year of magical writing group which has been the most amazing anchor to this year and also made me the most consistent writer ever, I’m running a mini magic this summer. 6 weeks of summer holidays / 6 weeks to be held and write like you always say you will and want to / 6 weeks to mark time as it passes. This group will give you a weekly workshop and weekly accountability writing space, which I have learnt in priceless.
I even made a homemade poster :)
