I never think of myself as a people pleaser and I walk around life assuming most people I meet will like me. Which makes life easier for me. And writing that sentence down, I’m aware, makes me sound like I should be put in a pen with all the worst people in the world. Round us up and throw away the key. But it’s just something I’ve known my whole adult life. And I don’t leave parties wondering if I said the wrong thing or what impression I left. Now I’m just showing off. It’s in part of course my delusional self confidence and it’s in part because I have understood for a long time that everyone is self obsessed and no one is thinking about the thing I said or the impression I made. So it’s truly a waste of energy to worry. And whilst I am the centre of the universe, I also understand that you are too, so we can leave it all at the door.
So, I’m loveable, sue me.
But I am also haunted by the handful, which is really more of a list if I’m honest, of people who I know actively dislike me.
Life hack .org has an article with 35 quotes to care less about what others think. Here’s my top three and I’m so happy to have the opportunity to put Tyra Banks and Virginia Woolf in a list together:
1. “The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.” ― Virginia Woolf
5. “Never dull your shine for somebody else.” ― Tyra Banks
15. “I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”— Coco Chanel
But honestly it’s worth reading the whole 35. I already feel better. Especially Coco Chanel, what a perfectly chic ice cold aspiration.
Anyway, the truth is, I do care what you think and I think about you all the time. The handful - that is actually more of a list, of people whom I know for a fact think I’m bad people, for a fact think I’m an asshole, fill up my dreams and pull at my sleeve. In the last few years of my life I have had a series of reckonings and the wreckage on the other side is what haunts me. My mum said on the phone yesterday that I don’t even have to be able to let it go, it might just be that I’ll gradually care less, and that the heat gradually leaves the room. But until then, the difficulty is sitting on my hands and leaving it alone.
My natural inclination is I imagine the same as yours. I’d like to be sure that in a court of law I have a strong case to say, look I'm not the asshole, you are. But in every reckoning, the truth is: we both have a point, we are both right and we are both wrong and the only thing that is certain is, grey area. All of it grey.
So I am not a people pleaser but I am a sucker for resolve. And I do love to cling onto things that have died. But I also know the reason for the wreckage, the reason for the reckonings, the common denominator is, guess what? Me! I can’t remember the last time any of my sister’s had a fall out with a friend and I have three sisters. Last year I even said to a friend, what do you think it is about me that triggers people? And we both decided that I’m perfect so it must be them. Mum also said on the phone, you do put your head above the parapet Annie. I said, what does that mean? And it means to take a risk. To say or do the thing that I think is important even though it might get bad results. And also guess what? I’ve had some bad results.
There are a few patterns I have identified in the loose ends of bad blood that haunt me. And it would be reasonable to suggest that everyone that went up in flames, always had the potential to. There are some people who I know don’t mind the insufferable things about me and will love me indefinitely. And the aforementioned list of people who don’t like me, well on some levels, they never did anyway. The reckonings of my last few years have gradually stripped my life of complicated relationships. And I’d like to think I have developed a better sense of smell. So when these dynamics present themselves again, I’ll be like, oh yeah, I know you and haven’t I learnt better.
But god doesn’t it feel bad to feel misunderstood. And doesn’t it feel bad to think, they think I’m bad and I have to let them.
And in all instances neither of us are the villain and neither of us the hero. Even though I have to live with being the villain of some of the stories. But there was something in the relationships that felt bad. And I don’t think we have to cut out everyone who challenges us or everything that’s complicated because all relationships should and can and will all be both. But perhaps it’s about being able to move on. This isn’t working anymore. It brings out too much hard. It brings out too much dark. We’ve changed. I don’t feel good in this anymore. I can’t let that go.
I have always chased resolve. Won’t go to bed on a fight, pick at scabs that are almost healed, resurrect things that I should have let die just to be sure that I did try, I did do the right thing, I was the good guy. But then I have this trail of bodies (of ex friends and lovers who are not dead but in fact alive and well without me in their lives). And it’s curiosity, inability for discomfort or letting go that would make me send that text, ask for the resolve because the possibility of just existing with the knowledge there is bad blood, is almost, almost, unbearable.
Seeing pictures of Instagram, hearing people move on without me, realising they don’t want me back, that’ll make me red in the face. And it’s not bizarre that I care this much because on some level we all do. It’s just biting my tongue, not sending the message, not throwing eggs at anyone’s windows and walking away like Andrew Lincoln, enough, enough now.
I love reading your stuff. You write like no one else. But I bet you know that too 😉